From the east

January 15, 2008

Yesterday was a great day for a couple reasons. The one I want to get in to to detail with here is that I finally got the yarn swift and ball winder I ordered! I can finally *wind* my laceweight, meaning I can finally *knit* with it, meaning I can finally *try making lace!*

Clearly once I had the swift and winder, I had to set them up right away. But the table that I use for all my craft stuff is too thick, so I set myself up with the swift on the little end table where the printer usually lives and the ball winder on the edge of a chair. I work with the setup I have, not the setup I want.

On opening the box for the swift, I *did* notice it was a Japanese product. That’s cool. A lot of awesome things come from Japan. It must be pointed out now that I did not get one of those pretty wooden swifts like you see at the LYS. Oh no. Not for this cheapskate. Metal and Plastic for the win. It looked like someone decided to turn lemons in to lemonade and made their broken umbrella in to a swift with little pieces of orange plastic to protect the yarn.

After figuring out on my own how to set up the swift, I finally looked at what was written in English on the box. No joke, this thing’s name is the “K.M. All-Powerful Reeling Machine.” Hang on there, buddy. “All-Powerful”? Now I’m all for self esteem, but aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves? Can you make me a sandwich? Can you dry my hair? Then right there are just a few limits on your power. Let’s try and keep the ego in check and remember who’s in charge here, eh.

And it got even better…the swift has instructions. GLORIOUS instructions. I tried taking a picture of them to post here, but they got pwned by the flash, so I’ll just have to type them out, changing nothing for added hilarity because it doesn’t need it.

First of all, they’re listed as “Main Features.” How many “features” can a bloody yarn swift really have? Apparently a minimum of six, which are accompanied by the most confusing diagram I’ve ever seen for anything and a photo of an only slightly robotic looking Japanese woman with a cute haircut holding yarn with the swift near her. Here are the “Main Features” reproduced, in their entirety, with no corrections or alterations:

A) Being equipped with convenient metal connector, this tool is attachable to wherever you may wish, in the three directions – vertical or horizontal or diagonal. So there is no trouble at all like entangling of thread or yarn.

B) It is holding type, and made entirely of metal. The connector is of the utmost convenience and permanent use.

C) This reeling machine can be used for all kinds of thread or yarn. Because you can expand or contract it as the case demands, either for hand knitting thread of small reel or for woolen yarn of large reel.

D) The part where thread or yarn are reeled on is covered with vinyl. By this protection, thread or yarn never gets thangled or dirty.

E) This machine is also convenient for washing of old woolen yarn, as small or large reel is made at your will by the use of the handle attached.

F) Push the red buffon and adjust the size of machine – reel. Please.


. . . . . . .


This was honestly a twenty minute gigglefest. I’m not usually this amused by Ingrish but there’s just something about owning an English language challenged yarn swift with delusions of grandeur that was just too funny not to react to. Oh! And let’s not forget the baffeling “Directions” section which I think gives you more of a tip for fun than actual user guidelines:

When you open or shut it. please give a slight swing. just as you do with your umbrella or parasol.

Punctuation aside, my issue here is that it totally doesn’t need a “slight swing” to close. I’ve done it without swinging, so I am assuming this is more of a whimsicle fun fact, like suggesting that pretending those stick shaped pretzels are cigars might be amusing.

So I am now the proud owner of an Ingrish Speaking Yarn Swift with a God Complex, and a perfectly good ball winder. And with my penchant for naming things, this was no exception. It wasn’t even hard to come up with the names.

Folks, let me introduce you to Cats and Zig, repectively

Oh. And the other thing that made yesterday great? I got in to Villanova Law School, which was one of my top two evenly matched choices 🙂



  1. Oh my god, I’m cracking up. I just bought the EXACT SAME BALL WINDER AND SWIFT, and mine came yesterday, too. My favorite was the “Please” at the end of letter F. Priceless.

    And congrats on Villanova!

  2. This post is hysterical!!! Congrats on Villanova – that’s great news!

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